How Communication Can Reach the Heart

Sarah Carawan

by Sarah Carawan, North Carolina 

I traveled from Asheville to attend the Communicating Powerfully & ReVisioning Gender weekend at YES Institute recently, and am still reeling from the outpouring of love and commitment of the people I met.

After my marriage and the birth of my daughter, I was floored when I fell in love with a woman. There have been many ups and downs in the 35 years since I identified with the label “gay.” I now realize after being at YES Institute, that I have only just begin my own education on gender and orientation and see the power in examining my experience beyond labels.

In the Gender & Orientation Series™, I began to see the feminine / masculine binary concept is impressed upon us all throughout our lives. After nearly 60 years, I realized for the first time that my parents didn’t enforce narrow gender expectations on me. At home growing up, I recall I was always more boyish and interested in all things masculine. Thankfully, they let me explore who I was, and after participating in these courses I see this was a real gift.

Watching all the parents with their children, who were in varying stages of coming to terms with their child’s gender or orientation, was very moving. Some days, the course would begin and end with tears.

On the one hand, I didn’t understand the sadness because their intelligent, courageous and amazing children were living and breathing right next to them. Their loss was not a physical one, but rather a loss of expectations set into motion by a concept of body, gender, and orientation that was binary.

Many of these parents began to see that when it comes to gender and orientation for young people this is a conversation about life and death. Before these courses, I used to think un-accepting parents were narrow minded and bad parents. Now, I see nothing but good parents who received bad information. By the end of each day, I saw families become less afraid to allow each other to just be.

Sarah Carawan interacting with Star and Jim at YES Institute. 

There is no place like YES Institute. YES Institute is a beacon in the world for people who are struggling with gender or orientation, sometimes at the cost of their aliveness, or even their very lives. The level of welcoming, depth of knowledge, and outpouring of love I experienced at YES Institute will forever be a part of me. You cannot walk out of YES Institute without feeling bigger on the inside.

YES Institute's signature Communication Solutions™ course is taking place Saturday & Sunday, March 24 & 25 from Noon-6pm each day. Parents, teachers, students and medical doctors are participating in the course, as well as Spanish-language participants (full simultaneous bilingual translation will be provided). Call today to register at 305-663-7195 or email@yesinstitute.org 

In The Lives of Youth

Last week, CBS4 Miami News & Views aired an exceptional 2-part investigative story on homeless gay youth and the process of parental acceptance. While the impact on parents is often great, the consequences of bullying and rejection for young people can also be equally devastating. 

"Creating a Safer World", a mini-documentary produced by In The Life Media, captures the realities of youth impacted by gender and orientation. It also highlights the work of YES Institute and the innovative ways we are working to bring community-wide educational resources on these topics. 

Eva Leivas-Andino on CBS4 News & Views

For over 14 years, Eva Leivas-Andino, CFO of YES Institute, has been a champion for youth and families torn apart by fear and conflicting viewpoints over gender and orientation. She is—first and foremost—a mother and grandmother. Her passion for making communities safer and more inclusive is fueled by the love she has for her own family.

When her son, Paolo, came out as gay at age 20, Eva was extremely fearful of what people would say, of being rejected, and of facing accusations of being a bad mother. Her focus changed when Paolo opened up to her about the pain and isolation he experienced while growing up. From that moment forward, Eva devoted her life to education on gender and orientation, and is now a valuable resource for both English- and Spanish-speaking parents and youth.

Though Eva did not expel her child from their home, often many parents do. Available research reveals somewhere between 20–40% of America's homeless youth population comprise young people kicked out of their homes due to parental rejection of orientation or gender expression.

CBS4 Miami's Michelle Gillen and Eliott Rodriguez explore this topic and interview Eva in a two-part series that aired on Sunday, February 19th. If you are a parent that would like to speak with Eva, contact her at eva@yesinstitute.org

Part 1 of "Not In My House" explores the topic of gay homeless youth. Part 2 is an interview with Eva Levias-Andino with YES Institute.

'Real' Men Wear Dresses

by Allison Yaffe, Intern 

Allison in NYC.

The concept of what constitutes 'real' masculinity is so prevalent today, it permeates every fiber of our social experience. We regard physical size, strength, independence, subordination of women, and liking the color blue, among other things, as proscribed necessities. That's not to say this ubiquity isn't true for femininity as well, especially since they exist in tandem with one another--substantiating meaning through their oppositions, according to the male/female gender binary in which they're situated. 

Before I attended Masculinity Distinguished, I felt that I already had a great understanding of masculinity--being the well-read women's studies major that I am. What this course provided me was the possibility of a world where each of us could express oursevles authentically to our hearts content. Unfortunately, the reality in which we find ourselves is all people, especially those wishing to express themselves as masculine, must constantly worry about how they will be perceived, sometimes with life or death consequences. 

After completing the course, I began to really notice the amount of times people assume I'm a lesbian because I have really short hair and sometimes wear "boyish" clothing, so I'm told. Why should men get to hold all the bow-tie rights? Why does having short hair mean that I'm either a boy or a lesbian? And what really really frustrates me is everyone's immediate need to have me label my sexual orientation. It's like, hello, we're meeting for the first time, so before we have a conversation and get to know one another, I am commanded to identify the direction of my attraction?! I just don't understand how that's even remotely relevant. 

This past weekend I went on a hash run–which is pretty much like a pub crawl, but for runners. This specific one was the "red dress hash", where everyone runs in a red dress, women and men alike. About 130 of us, all decked out in our red skirts, ran through the streets of South Beach on Saturday night. People around us stopped dead in their tracks, yelling things like, "You disgusting cross dressers," "Look at all these tranny freaks," and spewing other obscenities that I won't reiterate. When we arrived at the pubs and got a chance to chat with people, they would ask if we were part of "some gay organization" before they inquired about why a hundred people were running in red dresses. Some of the people from the hash run spoke about how their friends wouldn't come out of fear for running into anyone they knew while in a dress. 

Red dress hash run, February 2012. 

The next day, I told my mother about my evening's adventures. She was dumfounded that "men, actual men, wore red dresses in public," immediately followed by, "Well, were they gay?" None of this was expressed in a negative or judgmental way, my mom was simply going along our cultural notions that she never sees men wearing dresses, and that men in dresses must be feminine and therefore gay. 

We are still a long way from seeing liberated men in dresses, however. This month in Atlanta, a group of males targeted a 20-year old shouting, "No faggots in Jack City," followed by brutal physical attacks. The YouTube video went viral, which set off a local community movement calling for hate crimes protection in Georgia. I really wish the attackers could come and experience the Masculinity Distinguished course, so they themselves can be more freed up around masculinity, no longer feeling the need to target other defenseless males in order to prove their illusory 'manliness'.
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Masculinity Distinguished, YES Institute's newest course, will be held on Saturday, February 25, 2012 from 9am to 5pm at our education center in South Miami. To register, please contact Brittney McCabe at 305-663-7195 or email her at brittney@yesinstitute.org

New Partnership Increases Mental Health Resources across Miami-Dade

Open discussion on gender and orientation was a novel experience for more than 40 family therapy and substance abuse providers within the South Florida Behavioral Health Network (SFBHN). The first of three presentations for the SFBHN system of care took place in January, which coordinates counseling services across several Miami public agencies.

“How do I tell if my daughter is really bisexual, or if it’s only a phase?” was the opening question from a counselor.

Martha Fugate.

“Yes, that’s a great question. How can we know if it is a phase, and that’s what every parent wants to know,” said Martha Fugate, co-founder of YES Institute. “But before we answer that, I have a question for you. What difference would it make if it was a phase, or not?"

“Oh wow, I never thought about it like that,” responded the counselor. After this exchange, a flurry of hands went up, and the dialogue began.

The open and free flowing conversation gave the providers a chance to explore these topics and share their experiences. Not only did they feel better prepared to respond, but they learned of a great resource and partner in the community.

“This was an eye opening presentation, and gives me a way to better serve young people and their families.” - Community provider

One counselor related how her 8-year old nephew is repeatedly teased in elementary school with anti-gay slurs. When the school was unable to stop the bulling, the families only resort was to teach him to fight to defend himself. Physical violence soon led to bloody noses and cafeteria rumbles, but the insults and harassment continued. Both boys were suspended, with solutions far from sight.

“Violence is the last resort of the powerless. Schools, principals, teachers, and parents all want to stop bullying, and none of them know how. This leaves everyone feeling powerless and turning a finger to blame others for the failure. Real answers take time and a new ways of thinking and approaching the problem,” Fugate responded.

“I want and need to attend the courses so I can learn tools for communicating with parents about gay and transgender children.” - Community provider

Emily, a parent speaker. 

Emily, a YES Institute speaker and mother of a gay son, soon had tears rolling as she spoke about how lost she felt when her son came out to her. Her greatest love was this son who was now relaying something fearful and incomprehensible. Emily said, “How could I understand? I didn’t know where to turn to for help, even our therapist didn’t know what to do.”

The next speaker was Sky, who told the struggle of transitioning from a female birth assignment through his emerging male identity. As he spoke, those most unfamiliar with the topic of gender transitioning were riveted to his every word as he recounted his courageous journey.

“I learned that there is a difference between transgender and sexual orientation. I now see YES Institute as a resource that I can reach out to for further consultation and referral.” - Community provider

Sky (middle), a youth speaker. 

YES Institute is scheduled for two more sessions with the network, one in English and one in Spanish language. Stayed tuned for updates as our work progresses with the Miami-Dade system of care.

“Something I am going to do differently is to listen more closely and become more understanding.” - Community provider

Communication and Education Weekend Inspires and Brings Families Closer

Students, parents and professionals alike participating with YES Institute.

Four groundbreaking courses on communication, gender and orientation topics welcomed over 70 diverse students and parents, as well as teaching, counseling and nursing professionals. Arriving from all compass points–including South Florida, North Carolina, New York University at Potsdam and Cuernavaca, México–the 7th annual Communicating Powerfully & ReVisioning Gender weekend delivered the YES Institute mainline curriculum in a back-to-back intensive format.

Group breakout dialogue pods.

The Communication Solutions™ course empowered attendees with a new model and an entirely new context to communicate about topics people are most passionate about. At the beginning of the course, Tatiana stated, “I get upset when talking about gender and orientation with others who are not accepting and don’t agree with me. I get agitated. I just end up changing the topic, or giving up.” By the end of the course, Tatiana reported, “This was above and beyond uplifting, as well as educational. When people disagree, it’s not about me at all. I feel I now have the tools to communicate better.”

The Gender Continuum course, Part 1 of the Gender/Orientation Series™, began and concluded with parents and their children shedding tears of struggle and triumph as they wrestled with binary concepts of gender given by our culture in one hand, and their authentic experiences of gender and love for their children in the other.

“This course brought me closer to my mom, and opened up a line of communication that was many years overdue,” reported Ian, a college student. Vivi, a high school student shared, “I learned that I am not the only one who is like myself,” after Evan, a YES Institute youth speaker, shared his harrowing recollection of the time he attempted suicide. When Evan learned that one person did care for him, it was enough to prevent an untimely fate. A Hispanic father commented, “This course was very powerful in every sense. The knowledge I gained will help me better support my son and better help educate others.” A mother wrote, “I previously questioned very young children questioning their gender–I now believe it is true and honest questioning.” Lydian, a college student observed, “This course left me feeling so full–I feel a change in the room after every course. It’s the change of love.”

Brian, a high school student, impressed everyone with his courageous voice. 

Twenty university students from SUNY Potsdam engaged with other attendees at the Deciphering the Matrix of Orientation course, Part 2 of the Gender/Orientation Series™. “This was a great day to learn, think, and reflect on orientation and gender. Hearing the comments from students was insightful,” commented Prof. Ada Santaferra. A student remarked, “This day had a impact on me. I saw the pain the young people deal with all the time. This inspired me to work to make a difference.” Another student commented, “This course helped me understand what some of my future students may go through.” Another student quipped, “There is a lot more than just being gay or straight.”

Part 3 of the Gender/Orientation Series™ concluded with the Being & Belonging course. One student said, “I am now willing to be more vulnerable and not hide myself from other student peers who need someone to talk with.” A teacher added, “It’s so valuable to have an organization I can refer my students to for education.”

Sky talking with Christie at Communication Solutions™.

Are You Ready for Chalk?

On Thursday, January 26, Chalk Miami will be hosting a special event to celebrate the work of YES Institute. Chalk is the newest 21 & over billiards and table tennis lounge premiering on South Beach. For $35, you can enjoy complimentary cocktails, light hors d'oeuvres and unlimited games between 7–9pm. Proceeds benefit YES Institute, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization. 

Local social groups including Miami Movie Mollies and Miami Pride Social meetups have already let us know they are participating! 

RSVP is necessary to attend the YES Institute event at Chalk. Simply email your name and number of guests in your party to rsvp@chalkmiami.com. Please type "YES Institute" in the subject line. 

You can also arrive at Chalk without RSVP as long as you bring this printed certificate and present it at the door. Chalk is located at 1234 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach, Florida. Nearest SoBe municipal parking garages include 12th Street & Drexel or 13th Street & Collins Avenue. 

Come and be among the first to check out this exclusive new SoBe lounge, all while contributing to the community work of YES Institute!